You like a firm mattress. He prefers a pillow top. You stick to your share of the comforter. She monopolizes it like a zero-sum game. If these or other nighttime disturbances and sleep differences are keeping you awake, it might be time to consider a sleep divorce.

So, What Is a Sleep Divorce?

It’s not as dramatic as it sounds. A sleep divorce just means you’ve agreed to sleep in separate spaces for the sake of getting deeper, more healthy sleep. And it’s surprisingly common. According to our research, more than 25% of couples are opting for this arrangement. For some, that might mean moving into individual beds in the same room; for others, it could mean sleeping in different rooms to maximize those 40 winks.

Isn’t That Going a Little Too Far?

Think Lucy and Ricky Ricardo slept in matching twin beds because of strict network television censorship alone? Think again. Believe it or not, as recently as the 1960s nodding off in separate beds was considered in vogue. And if that seems strange, consider that prior to modern times whole families and often their livestock would hit the hay in one place to stay warm and conserve space. Throughout the eras, whatever worked best seems to have been the rule of thumb.

Danger: Snoring May Lead to Separation

Hoping your love alone will get you through the night? Studies show that over time the benefits of sleeping together can turn negative if healthy sleep is sacrificed. A 2016 study conducted by Paracelsus Private Medical University in Nuremberg, Germany found that sleep issues and relationship problems tend to happen at the same time. Chainsaw snoring that keeps one person up won’t be easily forgiven and forgotten the next morning. Even seemingly smaller incompatibilities like amount of lighting, mismatched schedules or temperature preferences can build up resentment and lead to conflict.

Good, Quality Sleep Matters

That animosity isn’t unfounded. We all need good sleep to be at our best. Deep, restorative sleep is essential for short-term and long-term health. When we sleep well at night, our body gets to work healing and repairing itself, promoting healthy cognitive functioning and bolstering and supporting our immunity. Without it, a host of issues can emerge. Poor sleep and sleep deprivation can lead to lowered immunity, depression, diabetes, heart disease, obesity, emotional health issues and even car accidents.

Heading to Sleep Splitsville

No matter what you decide, it’s important that you’re both happy with the situation and feel respected. If you decide to pursue a bedroom breakup, try following the points below:

• Find time to communicate your needs with your partner in a caring and honest way.
• Avoid feelings of rejection by being intentional about creating times for intimacy and connection outside of nocturnal hours.
• Keep your rooms or beds open to visitation.
• Schedule nights together when you don’t have work or other pressures in the morning.

The Bottom Line

If you’re still on the fence, consider taking smaller steps instead.

• Make your room a sanctuary with limited distractions like cell phones, work or TV.
• Earplugs and a sleeping mask can minimize snoring and light disturbances. A white noise machine or fan can help too.
• If you’re in need of a new mattress, there are simple steps you can take to find the one of your dreams!
• You might be sleeping apart every night, but a sleep divorce shouldn’t impact your sex life! Remember to still make time for intimacy between you and your partner.
• And maybe most importantly, schedule bedtimes to get the recommended 7-8 hours of sleep a night for adults.

You might be surprised at the big results these small changes can bring.

Sources:

• https://www.healthline.com/health-news/cant-get-shut-eye-sleep-divorce-may-work-for-you#But-are-sleep-divorces-harmful-to-a-relationship
• https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a28750269/what-is-sleep-divorce-meaning/
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-me/201912/should-you-be-considering-sleep-divorce
• https://www.doctoroz.com/article/get-sleep-divorce-dr-oz-shares-5-tips-help-you-cohabitate-better

This blog provides general information about sleep and sleep products. The words and other content provided in this blog, and in any linked materials, are not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified heath care professional. This blog should not be construed as medical advice or used to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any disease or condition. If the reader or any other person has a medical concern, he or she should consult with an appropriately-licensed physician or other health care professional. This blog is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, and should not be relied upon to make decisions about your health or the health of others. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this blog or elsewhere on bettersleep.org. If you think you may have a medical emergency, immediately call your doctor or dial 911.

You might think it’s candles, satin sheets and massage oils that get people revved up for romance, but the evidence is increasing that sleep is closely connected to sexual arousal. Let’s find out why better sleep leads to better sex and what you can do to get more of both.

For Women, Sleep Improves Sexual Desire

A 2015 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine showed that women over the course of a two-week period were 14% more likely to engage in sexual activity after they slept just 1 additional hour. In this case, more sleep equals more sex.

“Sleeping well every night improves your overall mood, which means you could be more interested in having sex,” says Mary Helen Rogers, vice president of marketing and communications for the Better Sleep Council.

When we lose sleep, we lose energy, focus and even self-esteem. Without those three qualities, it’s almost impossible to get aroused. Unfortunately, women tend to be more sleep-deprived than men. To maintain a healthy sex drive, try getting 7-8 hours of sleep each night.

For Men, Sleep Is Testosterone Time

Testosterone is a key driver of sexual behavior. This is true for both genders, but especially for men. And it turns out, the majority of testosterone release happens during sleep.

In a study conducted by the University of Chicago, men who were subject to one week of sleep deprivation – which the study considered 5 hours per night – had their testosterone levels decreased by 10% to 15% the following day. That far exceeds the 1% to 2% drop in testosterone men experience in a year as a normal part of aging. Wow.

“Our body makes many beneficial hormones during sleep, while getting rid of the bad ones,” added Rogers. “Sleep is when our brain gets rid of toxins and we’re able to stock up on hormones that are important for our immune system, managing stress and more.”

Sleep Can Be a Turn-on Even When You’re Alone

Ever woke up after an intense erotic dream? Remember how real it felt? Well, that’s because it most likely was real, biologically speaking.

Sleep studies have proven that both men and women can experience periods of sexual arousal – even orgasm – during REM sleep, which is the same stage of sleep when we’re likely to dream. It’s an opportunity for you to experience the pleasure of sex without consciously engaging in it. All you have to do is spend time in the deep sleep zone.

(BTW: If you want sexier dreams, you might want to try sleeping in a different sleeping position. A 2012 study published in the academic journal Dreaming found people who ZZZ on their stomachs are much more likely to have XXX dreams.)

Get Turned on to Better Sleep

“For years, the Better Sleep Council has recommended that the bedroom be used for mainly sleep and sex,” says Rogers. “This research continues to prove how closely related the two activities are. And who doesn’t want to improve their satisfaction with both?”

Sources:

• https://www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(15)31025-0/fulltext
• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23055029
• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4445839/
• https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/276013.php
• https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/1029127?resultClick=1
• https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF01541556
• https://www.medicaldaily.com/why-sleeping-your-stomach-leads-more-erotic-dreams-241863

This blog provides general information about sleep and sleep products. The words and other content provided in this blog, and in any linked materials, are not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified heath care professional. This blog should not be construed as medical advice or used to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any disease or condition. If the reader or any other person has a medical concern, he or she should consult with an appropriately-licensed physician or other health care professional. This blog is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, and should not be relied upon to make decisions about your health or the health of others. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this blog or elsewhere on bettersleep.org. If you think you may have a medical emergency, immediately call your doctor or dial 911

Research from the Better Sleep Council found that on average, one in three Americans report their bed partner has a negative impact on their own sleep. Americans crave sleep more than sex – which should give everyone pause to think about their respective sleep arrangements. A UK survey found the average couple engaged in bedroom quarrels a whopping 167 times a year. The No. 1 reason was blanket hogging, and the No. 2 reason was snoring.

With sleep deprivation linked to a host of problems including diabetes, obesity, heart disease, depression, relationship problems, accidents, irritability and poorer job satisfaction, it is imperative that sufficient, quality sleep is everyone’s primary consideration.

Historical perspective on sleeping
In Roman times, the marital bed was a place for romance but not sleep. Folks in the Middle Ages viewed beds as places of courtship, where unmarried couples were permitted to be in the same bed but were separated by a strategically placed bolster. Before the Victorian era, sleeping in the same bed with your partner was considered unhealthful. It wasn’t until the Industrial Revolution that couples slept in the same bed as a result of limited living space in the cities.

The dirty little secrets of bed partners
Contrary to popular belief, sleeping apart from your partner is not uncommon today. According to a 2005 National Sleep Foundation poll, nearly one in four American couples sleeps in separate bedrooms or beds. The National Association of Home Builders estimates that 60% of new custom homes will have dual master bedrooms this year. Some of the reasons for nocturnal incompatibility include:

• Different bedtimes and wake times
• TV viewing by one partner
• Preferences for a firmer or softer mattress
• A mattress that is too small
• Different room-temperature preferences
• Sleep disorders and other medical conditions
• Snoring, snoring, and more snoring
• Sleep crimes, including the blanket burglar, pillow thief, and sheet stealer

The good and the bad
Proponents of bed sharing support the psychological benefits of being close to your partner at night. Some researchers maintain that sleeping with your partner may promote health by lowering the stress hormone cortisol and reducing cytokines that are linked to inflammation. Sleeping together is also thought to boost oxytocin levels, which are known to lower anxiety levels. Sharing a bed with your partner may also serve as emotional support while promoting feelings of safety and security.

In contrast, proponents of separate sleeping cite research demonstrating that couples suffer 50% more sleep disturbances when sharing a bed. They argue that a “sleep divorce” is not necessarily indicative of a bad relationship, nor does a good sleep life (meaning incompatible sleepers sleeping separately) necessarily result in a bad sex life.

Celebrity solo sleeping
If you prefer sleeping alone, you’re in some famous company. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt reportedly frequented separate rooms to sleep, as do Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip. It has been reported that Kevin Jonas sleeps separately from his wife due to his loud snoring and that Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick sleep separately as well.

Rethink your sleep
Until recently, sleep and all of the benefits sufficient sleep confers have been underestimated and undervalued – but now it’s time to make your own sleep a priority and ignore preconceived notions about conventional sleep styles. Focus instead on a sleeping arrangement that offers you and your partner the best sleep possible, including sleeping in separate beds or separate bedrooms, both viable options that work best for some couples.

If you and your partner prefer to sleep together, keep doing so. Today’s mattress and bedding options, materials and new technologies – including dual-zoned adjustability, comfort and firmness and temperature controls—make sleeping in the same bed with your partner much easier.

Couples should optimize their sleep quality to ensure a great relationship. Whether you sleep separately or together, there’s no right or wrong way. Just get your sleep. Your relationships, health, well-being and quality of life depend on it. As always, see a sleep specialist for sleep problems you or your partner may be experiencing.

“There are a variety of reasons why people may have more sleep, sex and cuddling in the winter months,” says Terry Cralle, a registered nurse, certified clinical sleep educator and Better Sleep Council (BSC) consultant. “With colder temperatures in many parts of the country and shortened daylight hours, people may find they want to go to bed earlier.”

With more time in bed, couples have more hours to sleep and to enjoy some other passionate pastimes. “Certainly, there are many benefits to turning in earlier, including getting a full-night’s rest, and for couples, they have more time with each other,” says Cralle.

It’s not just the quantity of sex that picks up during winter – the quality improves, too. BSC research shows that, among people who are intimate more often in cold weather, 77% find their winter sex is better when compared with other times of the year.

Not all relationships and sleep improve with extra bedtime

All of this makes winter sound like the most romantic time of all. However, not all couples equally enjoy the Valentine’s season slumber party. In some relationships, extra time in bed creates discomfort and stress. Partners struggle with sleep habits and preferences that don’t align with one another’s. This keeps couples from enjoying healthful sleep, plus getting extra energy and excitement for cuddling and sex.

People of all genders and ages are affected by sleep deficits. Research shows that when men regularly sleep for 5 hours or less, their testosterone levels drop to the levels of a man 15 years older, making them less excited about sex. A study of college-aged women shows that they increase their sex drive by 14% with every extra hour of sleep.

The lack of sleep hurts relationships even beyond the bedroom. Studies show that when we’re not getting enough sleep, we are less attractive, less witty and more argumentative. Additional research shows our need for sleep can make us less satisfied in our relationships. Why does this happen? The long story short is that our pre-frontal cortex, the brain section we use to weigh and make decisions, makes more mistakes when under-rested. Tired minds can be less talented at connecting in emotion or touch.

For example, a recent study from the Ohio State Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research reviewed the sleep habits and behaviors of 43 married couples. Among those who slept less, the twosomes had poorer moods and were more hostile toward each other when they functioned with less than 7 hours of sleep. Interestingly, the well-rested couples still had disagreements, but the way they handled them was different, approaching conflicts in a more constructive, collaborative manner.

Reclaim sexy, healthful sleep for your relationship

If you’re in one of these relationships where one or both people struggle to sleep, you’re not alone. On average, one in three Americans says their partner’s sleep problems hurt their ability to snooze. The good news is that you and your lover don’t have to settle for separate beds. You can use Valentine’s Day as a reason to bring harmony back to the bedroom.

The first step in solving sleep issues, like most tensions in a relationship, is to communicate. With your partner, dream up a strategy for helping each other rest long and well. Even couples who enjoy compatible sleep can try a new trick or two for even better time in the bedroom. Prepare for a season of sexier slumber by adding some new approaches.

• Share a bedtime. Review both of your schedules and set a time that works for you to curl up together and enjoy some pre-sleep cuddling.
• Set the heat just right. Many partners disagree about the ideal temperature to sleep. Talk about a potential setting that works for both of you. If you’re far apart in your climate desires, there are ways to customize your experiences. Use mattress pads that heat or cool, or double-fold a blanket over your freezing lover.
• Look away from the screens. Most things in life are sexier than checking email. In fact, everything in life is sexier than checking email. Once you hop into bed, it’s time for laptops, phones and work to enjoy their own slumber. Make your bedroom a sanctuary to relax.
• Talk about your favorite positions for sleep. Your bed is a shared space, and that’s a problem if one partner’s posture flings the other person to the very edge of the mattress. Have a discussion about the best ways to lie for cuddling and sleep.
• Let there be light, or embrace the darkness. Many people who struggle with sleep cite light sensitivity as a reason for restlessness. Adjust your light fixtures and window treatments for a brightness that benefits both partners.
• Find ways to de-stress. Turning off your screens is one way to reduce anxiety, but there are other things you can do to place yourself in the best mindset before rest. Try a meditation practice or grab a book. Might we suggest snuggling? Research shows that 86% of Americans claim to feel benefits from cuddling. There’s an important note with that statistic, though. The pro-cuddling sentiment is strongest among people with a comfortable mattress.
• Invest in a mattress designed for both partners. If winter is the season when you’re most often in bed, then it’s a great time to get a mattress that meets your preferences. Talk with your partner about the materials and the levels of firmness that give both of you your best rest.

With a new plan for sleep in place, you and your partner can bring plenty of great sleep and sex into Valentine’s Day and the rest of winter. Give yourselves – from your brains to your backs – the rest they need to be creative and romantic during winter and throughout the year.